God has a special mark on me. Everyone has one, but not everyone lives as if they believe it and a lot of people don't ever want to. But, I believe it and I want to be better than I ever was before. So, this blog is all about being REAL. With myself and with God and with others. But, please be careful with my heart, at the moment, it's made of glass! This is my journey back to "heaven's air" from my way to "Avernus".
Lately, it's been hard to understand who I am and where I am going in life. At the same time, I do know who I am and who God has made me to be, but if I'm truly honest with myself, it became really confusing a month before I turned twenty-one; even more confusing when I started to drift away from the Word of God. Yeah, it may be locked inside of my head and in my heart, but it only made it easier to put on a mask for all of my friends, family, and (GASP!) friends at church. The Word and words are there, but basically, I've been speaking without listening to or acting on what I truly believe. I knew that what I was doing was wrong and I really didn't want to keep disobeying God, but I did want to keep having fun.
No, I haven't been doing terrible things. But, the intent behind the actions are what I'm ashamed of. Just the thought alone of "wanting" is scary. But, it's just the "want" to be a part of something. I mean, come on! I'm twenty-one. I like kicking back with friends and going to bars. Not all the time though, just once a week, if that. Well, it was a downward spiral from there. And I hate that I gave the devil a foothold because he really yanked the rug out from beneath me. But, just like the quote at the bottom of my blog says, "Easy is the descent (to hell)...", it was pretty easy to follow him on my own. I was reminded of this while reading "Dark Angel" by L.J. Smith. But, I'm just thankful to God that I still have enough conviction to turn back around to "heaven's air" while I'm ahead!
But that's God for you, He doesn't relent until He has it all...
All my devotion and all my love from my heart, soul, mind and strength. I'm trying to surrender right now. I'm working on it slowly; one step at a time. First, going to bars. I really need a new state of mind before I ever step into another bar again! Because that's how it all started.
Well, that's it for today. I'm tired. Good night.
"It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me."
- Jess
Jess, you can always talk to me or Sarah. Its funny because Sarah and I were just talking about the "thought" behind things today, and how we all have a sin nature that we really cannot get away from or escape. We all have good intentions, but we all also think bad thoughts. No one except you and God know what you are thinking, and just the fact that we all are thinking pretty much opposite than what we are saying is scary, like you said, its scary to have a "wanting". But seriously, we are both here for you. =D
ReplyDeletePraying for you!!!!
-Kristi & Sarah (because we both read this together).
I love you guys!!! :)
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